Monday, May 7, 2012

SINGLE and FAMILY

sekarang memang style update blog sbulan skali rasanya.
kalau lagi banyak gap masa per entry, lagi bagus. cayalah!

2 minggu dah aku kat kemaman.
still feeling guilty sebab terpaksa tinggal my housemate sorang2.
lagi2 after dah pernah janji tak tinggal dia kat BP tu sorang2.
tapi ni balik kampung, bukan tinggal tros. patot tak boleh kira mungkir janji.
huhu. sorry2.
but I still feel bad. seriously.
dear housemate, i just want you to know,
*nak cakap face to face kompem tak lepas ni*
aku tak pernah lupa ko tolong datang duk BP teman aku,
so aku takkan mungkin nak tinggal ko kat situ pulak.
eventho memang banyak kali kte sama2 fikir pasal aku nak cari kerja,
and aku slalu cakap pasal possibilities maybe aku kena keje tempat laen,
tapi sebenarnya aku takde tergamaknya nak blah tinggal ko kat BP.
eventho ko kata xpela, ko paham. but I still feel bad coz ur my bestfriend.
I am the worst friend ever kalau aku tinggal ko kat sana lepas da ajak ko datang.
it's just something that came out of my mouth masa duk fikir berat2 tu.
ikotkan, aku yang memang kalo boleh nak menetap lama lagi kat BP.
kalau ko takde pun aku da cukup berat hati nak let go rumah tu.
inikan pulak ko ada kat situ, aku mestila nak duk ngan ko.
aku tak rasa aku boleh serumah dengan orang laen pun.
skarang aku tengok ko pun dah plan nak pindah KL tahun depan.
maybe sebab aku selalu balik kot?
atau sebab aku selalu complain susah cari kerja kat bp?
sorry. maybe I should have thought of that earlier before ajak ko datang.
ikot plan asal, aku pun memang nak pindah KL lambat laun,
tapi maybe ko patut gerak dulu la kot sebab ko susah nak tukar tempat keje.
at least you're not stuck in BP because of me.
sementara tu, aku nekad nak cuba jugak cari kerja kat sana since aku da janji camtu.
aku taknakla ko rasa aku sebagai kawan baek ko, sanggup tinggal ko.
ada setahun lagi before ko abis HO, aku mesti boleh dapat keje lah.
cuma skang aku desperately nak beralih angin jap.
it's just something I have to do.
sebab aku fikir ini lah jalan terbaik supaya aku boleh siap keje cepat.
cepat siap master, cepat aku boleh fokus cari kerja kat BP.
tak payah dah kita serabot2 pasal aku nak kena keje tempat laen.
sorry tinggal ko lama2 sampai ko terpaksa jalan kaki ulang alik pergi keje.
please don't hate me for this.
T____T

other than that, its a relief.
tu je aku mampu cakap.
dapat balik jumpa family,
lari kejap from all the stress kat BP,
yup, lega. definitely.

aku single.
(ok, bukan tengah cuba jual saham kat sini)
and it's not that i'm not happy with it.
it is kinda fun bila tak terikat dengan komitmen.
kurang benda nak fikir and risau, hidup pun senang sikit.
sebab now you can focus on ur own life and future.

its just that bila kita single,
akan ada masa yang kita suddenly rasa lonely sangat2 and down gile2.
masa tu rasa sunyinya, bosannya, serabotnya, and all kind of negativity lah.
even ada kawan ramai2 pun still rasa macam ada kosong dalam jiwa tu.
you desperately feel the need of having #someone by your side.
someone that you can really talk to or share stuffs with.
coz in life, tak semua benda kita boleh talk and share dengan kawan.
such as feelings. example paling mudah la aku bagi.
kawan baek macam mana pun, feeling2 ni still ada limit bile nak share.
ada benda, dengan loved ones je kita ada kemampuan nak cite, nak kongsi.
kenapa tu, aku pun tak sure. tapi paham la kan?

so benda ni, atau fasa ni; aku sedang lalu skarang.
i feel lost, and it worries me in a lot of ways.
coz you can't put time on hold.
I am someone who knows what I want in life.
tapi bila prasaan macam ni datang,
aku macam hilang punca.
pastu masa pulak sentiasa je berjalan macam biasa,
then sedar2 aku da rugi banyak benda.
which puts my future at risk.
I need some inspiration/motivation to keep me moving.
biasanya I easily get motivated just by looking at other people.
how they have succeeded in life,happy and dem rich.
but this time. no can't do baby doll.
there's a black hole in my heart, huge i tell you!
that needs more than some inspiration to do the work.

and i realize that things are getting worst bila
1) nak makan pun dah MALAS
2) buat apa2 pun rasa TAK KENA
3) semakin TAK SABAR
tang tak sabar tu in terms of emosi.
suddenly rasa macam semua orang tak paham apa aku rasa.
then mula lah aku nak naek2 suara. 
bajet dengan naek suara tu orang boleh lebih paham la??
tak bijak kan aku? terbawa ngan emosi.
alang2 tu, aku amik peluang ni nak mintak maap.
sorry pada semua yang terkena tempias bitchy aku ni.
and lastly, 4) I can't FOCUS
kadang2 duk tengah lepak ngan member pun aku boleh lost.

this is why tiba2 aku decide to take a long break and balik kampung.
coz there's no other place better than home.
aku tak taulah orang laen.
but i find home where there's family; is the most comforting place to be.
tros dah tak rasa dah the desperate feeling of needing #someone.
coz actually, it's not the people that your heart desires, 
its the love that they have always had for you.
being with someone special makes you feel loved,
but being with the family that loves you? it makes me feel blessed. ;)
and this is why family biasanya akan jadi keutamaan aku.
sebab aku snirik, aku perlukan diorang lebih dari tu lagi.
cumanya tu jela, family; they will always be there for you,
"i'm just a phone call away" bak kata abg nik aku,
but they can't always sit there next to you.

so even perasaan tu mungkin takkan sama dengan having #someone sentiasa.
but it helps a lot. 'clears' a lot!
paling tidak pun, dapatla ganti jap perasaan tak senang tu.
*bolehlah bertahan nak continue single setahun dua lagi, XD*
well kita semua takkan lari dari perasaan perlukan #someone di sisi.
tapi feeling desperate is not good so do something about it!
macam aku buat skarang la, balik kampung! hee.
even esok2 bila da balik rumah, jauh dari kampung and family,
that miserable feeling akan datang semula after a while, true,
tapi at least bila dah balik kejap ni,
perasaan 'senang' yang sekejap ni mampu pulihkan banyak benda.
*takdelah duk rasa desperate sangat lagi dah kan? XD*
well I am all good for now.
already feeling like starting new.
fresh and stress-free.
self motivation restored.
semoga hidup akan lebih dipermudahkan lepas ni.
;)

dah lama2 tak update blog ni,
hamik kau 1 entry sikit punya panjang.
kira cover sebulan punya cerita la ni.
chow.



p/s: people do crazy things when they are desperate.
crazy things which they will soon regret doing it. yup, that kind of things.
i've been there, i've done that and I definitely know the feeling; it sucks.
so try to avoid feeling desperate. be optimistic.
but if it still doesn't work, do not hesitate on getting help.
better be safe then sorry.


1 comment: