Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Ugly Truth

they say,
for every lil' action u take, there is always a price to pay.
the question is, is it all worth it?
my life..
can't hardly describe what i'm going thru at the moment. 
but somehow,
the more I try to fix things, the more awful it actually gets.
something just seems to always doesn't feel so right.
not at how it begins, nor even at how it ends.
Not even close.
I'm a new me.
Well not a whole new me.
but at least some part of me has changed.
and believe me, it was for good.
but what bothers me is,
I don't much like the kind of person I'm turning into.
I mean,
from the outside, I look so much better.
It's like I've just walked out from a rehab or something.
clean and sober.
even the people around me were saying nice things about this whole new stuff.
means it is something for good right?
but the ugly truth is that from the inside,
I wish to get hit by a car, hurt my brain and forget about everything.
The fact is, I'm so much happier being who I was before.
Maybe back in those days, I wasn't what my family expect me to be,
but at least I was happy!
I felt pretty much alive indeed.
I was actually really happy with my life.
Not the fact that I'm spoiled and gets to live a life without boundaries.
I had great times.
I mean, I enjoy going thru the days, doing things I like.
unlike now, I felt nothing more than just a damn hypocrite.
I tried to change.
and trust me,
it has nothing to do with trying to do anyone a favor.
I was actually really doing it for myself.
since I thought these were all for my own good.
but after having this mixed up feelings,
not to mention also the feeling like a retard that tries to live in someone else's life,
I'm not so sure about what I'm doing anymore.
come on, the life I had before, it wasn't so bad after all.
I might have got my life a bit off the track,
but comparing to the life I'm having now,
being a stranger in my own life,
I don't know..
it did start what some good intentions tho,
well informed by the sacrifices and the consequences I'd might av to deal with.
but after some while, it just keeps on punching me with this question again n again.
does all this really worth paying for?
honestly, I have no idea.
If killing someone can bring me the answers like instant,
trust me, someone's dead by now.
I'd do anything to get me to the end of this suffer now.
I'm suffering and I'm scared.
what could be worst?
I'm only 23..
Some may say, "chill, there's plenty of time to figure that out"
how about try getting into my shoes before even saying that.
the more time it has to offer, the more creepy it actually makes me feel.
and p/s: I'm getting older, not younger!
by the time I'm 28 or maybe 30,
don't you think it's already too late for an answer?
If it's a great run, then horayyyy!!!
but what if it's not?
who's gonna help me turn back the time so that I could start all over again?
so that I could live the life I've always wanted
without the slightest chance worrying if I would regret bout it?
I really don't know.
I suppose all this pain had to worth something right?
I hope so.
It's just that for a moment now, I thought..
at least being able to stick in a lil bit longer would have been great.
maybe until I'm really ready to make a move out.
but like we all know,
you could always find urself an entrance,
but the exits? it's really hard to make it out with that much people pouring in.
I'm out now. for good.
If I get back in there,
will I ever make myself out again?
will I make it in time before the door closes forever?
So here I am..
facing the ugly truth inside me.
trying hard to move on whether I like it or not.
waiting for the big miracle telling me that this is all worth of trying.
and guess what,
It's been difficult enough to survive
and it makes it all even worse when u just have to live with it
and pretend like it never existed in ur heart..


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